How Can I Practice Living Amends?

That’s why we designed a unique approach to 12-Step treatment. Those who attend our treatment programs will work all 12 Steps while in our care. They will also have access to robust family programming which provides ample opportunity to make amends, learn about the disease of addiction, and begin repairing relationships. Indirect Amends are ways to repair damage that cannot be physically undone. If you have committed a crime in the past or are in a situation where you cannot confront the people whom you have offended, there are ways to make amends, indirectly.

By proactively correcting previous mistakes, those in recovery may be able to prevent future conflicts that could trigger a relapse. But, as difficult as it is, completing this step can provide an immense sense of relief and newfound hope for the future. At the heart of this step is the need for forgiveness and restoration—forgiving yourself, forgiving others, and making amends. It’s important to note that making amends is for the person we hurt.

Steps for Making Living Amends

Let the other person explain how they feel, how they were affected, and what they need to move forward. This is a delicate process that requires forethought, reflection, and strong commitment. If you find yourself jumping to make things right, that’s a great instinct! Just be sure that you can practice what you preach in the years to come. I didn’t request any of these actions; my husband initiated them.

We can’t know for certain how another person will respond—or even how the interaction might affect us emotionally. So be sure to talk with your sponsor and/or support group about your plan in the event that you need support. Apologizing in this way may open the door to continued healing, growth, and restored relationships in recovery. At this time, you can offer whatever restitution you have deemed appropriate. If you are behind on child support payments, for example, you can give the other person a payment (rather than just having the conversation about missing payments). While some people are excited about this process and want to dive right in, others hesitate and even struggle to admit what they’ve done.

Don’t settle for an apology.

While I did these things in active addiction, that does not take away from how wrong they were, and the pain and sense of betrayal you must have felt as a result of my actions. Once you enter into sobriety, there isn’t a set timeline for working Steps 8 and 9, so you might want to ask your sponsor and recovery support network for their insights about whether you’re ready. In Twelve Step recovery, your pace is your own to determine. No doubt you will experience challenges and setbacks along the way.

Another example would be of a person who’s been a taker all their lives suddenly decides they no longer want to be self-centered and selfish. They may choose to make living amends by promising to change their ways and become more helpful to others. Living amends, in this event, can include making changes to the behaviors contributing to the falling out between the survivor and the person they owed an apology to. For example, let’s say a mother didn’t make an effort to escort her children to the school bus stop. One of her children is killed crossing the street on their own even after telling their mother that they were afraid to cross the busy street alone.

Family and Children’s Programs

For example, we might intend to go to a friend’s birthday party, but in actuality, we fail to show up for the event. While we might apologize later for missing the party, our apology consists of words rather than actions or changed behavior. And those words ring hollow when we repeatedly break our promises. So, to truly make amends, we have to offer more than words.

• (If everything isn’t in the light, it’s not time to offer or receive a Living Amends letter).
• However, these promises are usually the result of deep feelings of shame, guilt, and regret and may not be genuine for some.
• If you promised your son or daughter to be there to see them off to college, clean yourself up and show up.
• Remember, this is a Twelve Step process that can provide a platform for healing, but the person we are reaching out to may not be at the same place in healing as we are.
• We can go to them directly and work through it (or at least try).
• The problem is there, and that person is in front of you right now.

You can also turn to AA’s Big Book and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (the 12 & 12) for guidance specific to Step 8. These changes in behavior help toward the goal of reestablishing relationships or making them what is a living amends stronger. It’s not one we use too frequently in our everyday language, but it still holds significant meaning. To make amends means to apologize for something you have done or for wronging someone in some way.

Meaning of amends in English

It causes us to feel a more profound shame as it pulls us from our humanity and connection — accountability and making amends help us heal the other, which allows us to forgive ourselves. When someone I love and care about tells me that I did something that hurt or upset them, my first impulse is to show them how they’re wrong. I want to help them see it from my perspective so they can have compassion for my choices. I want to show them how it can’t be that I’ve hurt their feelings because I’m a good person with good intentions. Even so, you will have done all that you can to take responsibility for the past—and there’s a level of peace and freedom in that as well. How the other person chooses to respond to our amends is out of our control.

• It’s not enough to say to someone that you apologize and feel badly for how you acted in the past.
• Therefore, a Living Amends letter is the least the addict can offer, and he should want to do it.
• Teasing out the difference between guilt and regret can be tough.
• They may find resolution and understanding about the past.
• This action can demonstrate the person’s new way of life in recovery.
• It represents many of the feelings and struggles you’ve had.